…to house his army of mutant U.N. aid workers. “You need immunization! ARRRRGHH!” (Because mutants talk funny)

OK, I made that up. But conspiracy theories abound about Turner’s excessive land-purchasing, according to the AP. They want to know if Ted’s just buying land for his furry, cuddly and delicious bison or if he has a more malicious reason.

Some think he’s trying to grapple control of an underground aquifer out West. Others believe he wants to give all the land to the Feds and deprive Nebraska kids of school funding. “Will someone please think of the children?!”

But apparently, Georgians don’t have to worry about having bison as neighbors. Ted only owns 537 acres in the state (compared to over 1 million in New Mexico) and I bet most of those are parking lots for Ted’s Montana Grill.