UPDATE: Lynne sends in another must-read dog poem:  “Another Reason I Don’t Keep a Gun in the House” by Billy Collins, former Poet Laureate of the United States (and Decatur Book Festival keynote speaker a couple years back).

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From the “It’s funny cause it’s true” file.

Here’s the beginning of the poem “Cleaning Up After Your Dog”, from today’s Writer’s Almanac…

Pull plastic bag from pocket

and wave it like a flag

or diploma. Make sure many people

congratulate your care

for the community.

Check bag for holes.

Double check.

Read the rest of the poem HERE.  (The part about the cop is something I always find myself doing when a cruiser passes mid-cleanup)

From the Decatur Metro “This Story is Completely Fictional” desk…

As Decatur continues to trudge through the wet, winter months, steady progress continues on one of the city’s most controversial bond projects in recent memory: the Great Glenlake Mudpit.

It’s a story of love, hate and political savvy.  A giant pit of mud that symbolizes an underlying turmoil inside five, precious square miles.

It all started with what is now being termed a “simple mistake.” In an effort to be more inclusive than humanly possible during a city-wide vote on how to spend bond-project money, city staff, commissioners and Glenlake Park advocates agreed that in order to include literally EVERYONE in the city’s decision-making process, children from 2-18 years-old would also get a say.

When asked about left out 0-2 year-olds, Glenlake improvements advocate Frank McGuilt-Trip chuckled knowingly and explained “Well, while we really DID want to include every city resident in this decision, when it came to the two-and-unders we felt that their general lack of understanding of most anything might impede their decision-making on the Glenlake project.”

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Dare I ask, but if you were tasked with coming up with a snarky/clever/humorous quip that would appear on the back of a Decatur Metro t-shirt, what would it be?

The only slightly amusing statements I’ve dreamed up with thus far are  “Caution: I’ve Been Moderated” & “I Enjoy Fighting With My Neighbors” or inside jokes like “Decatur – There’s a Festival For That”, “If you don’t like it, move.” and something yet to be written with the words “sustainable” and/or “zombies” in it.

OK, here’s a question that proves I’m not quite right in the head.

If you had the power (note that I didn’t say “big wad of money” this time) to combine any two Decatur businesses into one “mega” business, what would they be?  What would be the most successful combination?  What would be the weirdest combination?

I’m also pretty sure there’s a festival somewhere inside this idea.  It could be great fun for visitors to sample new businesses and it would give business owners an opportunity to think outside the box and sample new ideas.  And of course there would be awards at the end of the day for best mashup.

Daren, you’re the festival-maker…whatdaya think?  “The Great Decatur Mashup Fest?”  The Brick Store meets Yogurt Tap!  Cakes and Ale meets Heliotrope!  The Grange meets Boogaloos!  Saba meets Intown Auto!

Yum…car parts pasta…

Decatur resident Moey, who’s Candy-Voting Machine went national last year (seriously, he was on CNN), this year took to Decatur’s streets as Youtube sensation “Keyboard Cat”.

Love it!

Days after the Grange announced its changing its name because of ridiculous threats from The National Grange of the Patrons of Husbandry, “law-abiding Decatur resident” Lain Shakespeare blog-vents his severe irritation with Decatur over at the Dirty South Beer Club for the city’s “mallternative” marketing campaign, which he believes was stolen from the true “MALTernative”: Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Amen.  This flagrant identity theft has gotten way out of hand.  I mean, has no one else noticed that the city stole their name from this blog!?

The Decatur McDonald’s wants you to try its newest burger.  (Note the Town Center building in the background.)

Big thanks to Clark for providing us with a much-needed laugh.

NellieBellie has sent in shocking photographic evidence of a giant, mutant chicken harassing innocent students on their first day of school at College Heights yesterday.

I’d like to go on the record saying that I have no problem with mutant poultry as long as they remain concealed under porches and among thick brush.  But I draw the line when they become bold enough to start terrorizing our children on their first day of school!  Be it cockroaches or mutant chickens, the same rule applies: for every one you see, there are hundreds that you can’t.

In fact, I can almost guarantee that least 30% of all commenters here are some form of mutant poultry.  (FYI…the intermittent “bawk!”s are giving you away.  Is it really necessary to type out “bawk”?!  Seems a bit excessive.)

More gruesome documentation after the jump.

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A Decatur resident nearly fainted this morning after reading portions of a Fresh Loaf post about neighborhood opposition to a Beltline plan that would add a crapload of density at the edge of Piedmont Park at the intersection of 10th and Monroe.

The individual, described as a 30 year-old male with a passing interest in planning & zoning, told website authorities that after having read two paragraphs in a “gripping post” by Creative Loafing reporter Thomas Wheatley, he started having violent, uncontrolled flashbacks.

The following is a sample of the article, and should only be read by those with no history of zoning-coma disorder.

“Allowing any development at 10th and Monroe, let alone an eight story building and four story buildings on land that is currently designated as single family residential, will constitute the worst form of bait and switch,” Jenifer Keenan, a Virginia-Highland resident, recently wrote in a letter to Beltline officials (and here in Fresh Loaf comments.) More than 120 homeowners have already signed a petition opposing the Beltline proposal.

Keenan, who was part of the grassroots effort to block Mason’s plan for two 38-story towers at the same corner, says the resident opposition isn’t about NIMBYism, but protecting Piedmont Park and the neighborhood from inappropriate development. She worries that dense development would mar the charm of the city’s most iconic greenspace. She also says that the city risks establishing a dangerous precedent if it decides to rezone property it owns. (Last year, the city purchased the unused railroad tracks and nearly 66 acres in the corridor from Mason.)

Asked to recount what he saw during these flashbacks, the man replied through tears, “All I can remember is first seeing a giant 60s style skyscraper and a large empty parking lot. Then I saw a large group of people yelling at each other about building heights,  parking variances, NIMBYism and something called “Livable Growth”.  Then everything changed and I was outside of a university, standing in the middle of a giant 5-way intersection.  The people here were very nicely dressed, but were obviously very angry about something and kept screaming about character and density.”

And while this one individual claims to have regained his composure for the time-being, it is unknown how many near-faintings caused by density-fighting flashbacks go unreported every single day.

…you dream about it.  Paula writes in…

HI DM -

I just had to tell you about this funny dream I had last night. In it, I went outside to discover that both our cars had been stolen, with one being driven off as I walked outside. I went back into the house to try and call the police, and I kept getting transfered, disconnected, put on hold, etc. I was getting really upset with the delay, especially considering that the perpetrators had just driven off, and I said to my husband in the dream: “Just wait till I tell Decatur Metro about this!!”