Before, during and after: why women still pay the price in relationships

Romance may promise equality and shared dreams, but when you look closely at the numbers, a different story emerges. Time and again, studies show that women in heterosexual couples shoulder a disproportionate share of the costs — financially, emotionally, and socially — while men are more likely to capitalise on the benefits.

The hidden costs before love even begins

Even before entering a relationship, women are often paying more to fit into social expectations. From beauty routines like waxing, skincare and make-up, to contraception and regular medical check-ups, the financial tally is staggering. One estimate puts the lifetime cost of hair removal alone at around €21,000, with contraception adding several thousand more. By contrast, men spend only a fraction on comparable care.

This pressure to invest in appearance and sexual health is rarely acknowledged as part of the “entry price” of coupledom, yet it sets the tone for what follows.

Sharing money, not wealth

Once in a relationship, the gap often widens. Women are more likely to pool their income, covering day-to-day expenses like groceries, school supplies and household goods. Men, on the other hand, tend to invest in assets — property, pensions, vehicles — which build long-term wealth.

Even seemingly fair systems, like splitting bills 50/50, hide inequality. With women still earning less on average and more often working part-time, “equal” contributions can quietly leave them poorer, while men continue to accumulate capital.

The invisible labour

Beyond money, there’s the question of unpaid work. Women consistently take on the bulk of domestic chores and childcare. In France, for example, women log around 30 billion hours of unpaid household work each year compared to men’s 12 billion. This imbalance translates into less time for career advancement, lower salaries, and smaller pensions in the long run.

And when couples split, the financial gap doesn’t close. Research shows women’s standard of living drops by around 16% two years after divorce, while men typically return to their pre-breakup income levels.

A system stacked against women

Even state systems often reinforce inequality. Child support calculations, for instance, tend to protect the wealthier parent’s assets rather than ensure children’s needs are fully met. Likewise, widow’s pensions — 88% of which go to women — come with restrictive conditions such as not remarrying, making them feel less like entitlements and more like favours.

The result? Women bear the brunt of financial insecurity, both in love and in its aftermath.

What needs to change

The problem isn’t individual choices but structural norms. As author Lucile Quillet argues, women shouldn’t be asked to simply “opt out” of relationships with men to protect their finances. Instead, society needs reforms that recognise the true value of unpaid work, adjust tax and pension systems, and address gender pay gaps.

Until then, the emotional dream of equality in relationships remains undermined by the hard arithmetic of everyday life. As it stands, women are still paying — before, during, and long after love’s story is written.