Thoughtfully opinionated journalists and bloggers everywhere continue to scowl and salivate over their keyboards with news from the “fallout” of what’s become known among journalistic inner circles as “The AJC’s List of the Damned 74.”

The list was leaked earlier this week by a recent journalist turned blogger, and since then everyone who thinks they have a voice online is pissed about something.  Art critics gone.  Beat reporters reassigned to cover baby panda chewing.  Caged monkeys forced to write fake classified ads to fill space and save face.  Talk of moving the AJC back to its old abandoned location/eye sore, which once every couple years spontaneously bursts into flames.

And now this morning, the shocking news no one ever even dreamed of getting the opportunity to post/tweet outrage about:

The AJC has instructed food writer John Kessler to stop eating.

In a suspicious “leaked” note, the AJC writes “To Whom It May Concern, Food Writer John Kessler is no longer allowed to consume food or drink.  If you see Kessler eating ANYTHING or he asks you for food, please call the AJC’s “John Kessler is Eating Again” Hotline at 1-866-THIN-JOHN.  He knows what he did.  Sincerely, The AJC”

Already the sphere of blogs and tweets are puking up posts about the move, calling it “remarkably stupid” and “gut-kicking“.  “Doesn’t the AJC realize that humans need to eat to live?!” wrote one angry, yet still curiously alt & hip writer from Creative Loafing.  “If Kessler doesn’t eat, he will most likely die!”

Faced with these accusations, the AJC responded with the same five words that ended their first letter, “He knows what he did.”

As for Kessler himself, no one has seen or heard from him since word got out yesterday.  There were reports he was seen trolling Broad Street during lunch time Tuesday, but was chased off by a flock of angry, one-eyed pigeons. Others say he’s appealing to Facebook friends to send him flat foods like pita bread and Fruit Roll-Ups via his mandated, daily hardcopy of the AJC.

Only time will tell whether Kessler can survive this forced fast.  But don’t fret gentle readers.  You can be sure that both citizen and qualified opinionators alike will keep you abreast of Kessler’s future movements and impending weight-loss.  Even the AJC is getting into the act.  The paper has promised a new reoccuring front page feature, directly below the maddeningly cute 4-word front-page weather forcast called:

“Food No More with John Kessler”

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OK, I’ve had my fun for the morning.

But seriously, the AJC has taken Kessler off of food writing and moved him to “Sunday personality profiles.”  How Kessler feels about the move is still unknown, beyond the “Yowza” he reportedly wrote on his Facebook page.   (Seriously, I’m not making that up)

In my opinion, Kessler is one of the paper’s best writers, and THE best blog writer they have.  He gets the medium better than most at Marietta St.  Hopefully this new gig will open new creative doors for him and bring his witty, smart writing to an even larger audience.  Best to ya John.