Spring may mean pollen and the start of Braves baseball to you, but for Decatur High Juniors, it means the start of SAT season.

Last year, Decatur had the highest systemwide SAT scores in the state.  But this year, a group of Decatur students are speaking out and criticizing Decatur City Hall for not allowing them to perform even better than their already impressive levels on the standardized test.

“We love Decatur and that’s the problem.” said one local student who totally exists.  “How are we supposed to post the best scores in the country on a dreadfully dull, yet necessary multiple choice test when there’s so much to do in this freakin’ town? And I don’t even need a car to do it?! Come on.”

He continued, “I have friends in Cobb, Gwinnett and Fayette counties and I know they don’t need to deal with the distractions that I do.  Once they come home from sports practice after school, they know they’re stuck in the house until their parents can drive them somewhere.  So they can buckle down and study.  But me?  I’ve got friends left and right stopping by the house on the way somewhere, asking if I want to go to the Square or CVS or some event downtown.  How am I supposed to get anything done with that kind of constant temptation?”

A group of students have signed a petition asking the city to cancel all city-sponsored events and festivals for the coming year and to stop funding sidewalk repairs around the city in hopes that it can lessen distractions as they prepare to take this Spring’s round of SATs.

“Sidewalk repairs have probably done more to hurt Decatur students than any single factor out there.  And these are my tax dollars at work!  Well, my parents’ tax dollars.” said a student who recently signed the online petition.  They added, “I’m pretty sure its a conspiracy.”

The parent of an affected student was incapable of commenting on this story because any mention of the school system quickly devolved into a panicked rant on school enrollment levels, before morphing into a philosophical statement on restaurant etiquette and ending with a mention about how their friend saw a coyote in a neighborhood recycle bin last week.

City officials declined to comment on this story because it totally didn’t happen.

Pic courtesy of Invisible Summer