“People of DeKalb County, I have wonderful news.

The County has neglected its sewer system for years, leading to an EPA fine and consent decree. Along the way, there have been releases of raw sewage from our decrepit system.

You may be thinking, this doesn’t sound too good. How wrong you are! Sewage in the streets is wonderful stuff, because we now have to spend millions upon millions to clean it up. You see, spending millions on broken infrastructure creates jobs. Yep, it’s no different than Microsoft moving its headquarters here and hiring 1,300 new software engineers.

This is so wonderful, in fact, that I’ve decided the County can, and should, break and/or neglect many more things in the interests of job creation. When the consent decrees come in later — stimulus, baby! Henceforth, we will permit roads to disintegrate, bridges to collapse, police cars to break down. The possibilities are endless. Soon, everyone will have a job, maybe even 2 or 3 jobs.

In closing, may God bless us with more broken infrastructure and federal consent decrees and fines. Such is the surest and fastest way to prosperity.”