How Can Decatur Be More 1890s?

I received this letter via a guy on a horse from a group calling themselves “The Bell-Bottomed Windbags” this morning (OK, I actually made that up)

Esteemed Decatur residents, In an effort to remain the most progressive-thinking (and looking) city in all of Georgia, it has been determined that more must be done to take greater inspiration from the 1890s.   The attached Portlandia video barely scratches the surface of 1890s life and style.  We’re all going to need to go beyond the micro-brews, locally made sausage and the occasional curly mustache to really turn Decatur into the 1890s freak-show that will make it a world-class destination for bobos and discontented hipsters alike.

Please put on your thinking-caps and let us know what else Decatur can be doing to turn back the clock to the Grover Cleveland era.  All ideas will be compiled and then screamed at the front doors of Decatur City Hall at our convenience.  You’ll recognize us all by our awesome beards, knitted dresses, and suspenders.  Thank you for your time.


The Bell-Bottomed Windbags

My first suggestion: un-pave the streets.  I’ll do my part and turn Decatur Metro into an old-timey newspaper and hire some newsies.  “Extree extree!!”

30 thoughts on “How Can Decatur Be More 1890s?”

  1. We could use sketchy financing to build railroads like crazy, then switch our currency to some sort of metal standard (holla atcha Ron Paul) and settle in for a crippling series of recessions. With zero prospect of economic growth, we can do “cool” things like eat things that we grow in vacant lots and adopt a distinctive look that let’s others know that we, too, face a life of poverty and disease that can only be tolerated through the consumption of barrels of blinding rotgut.

    And also end women’s suffrage.

    Count me in!

              1. Well, my contribution is to start a local chapter of the WCTU (Womens Christian Temperance Union for the drunk, ignorant or ignorantly drunk). Secondly, the Daughters of the Confederacy had their great surge in membership during that decade, so I will dust off my grandma’s membership pin and erect a few statues and cannons around town.

                1. I’ve fantasized for years about joining the Daughters of the Confederacy and subverting them from within. Wonder how many like-minded heretics I’d need to recruit in order to take it over? And the DAR and the Colonial Dames, too, for that matter.

                  1. I am actually and seriously a legacy for DC and DAR, so c’mon! I am assured and guaranteed membership!

                    1. Me, too. Always figured I’d look into when I retire….unfortunately, it has now become clear that I’ll never be able to afford to retire!

  2. Depending on what level of authenticity is being sought, we could always imprison gay playwrights. Or just drop by the Brick Store for some absinthe and forget about it.

  3. I am wondering what Bell Bottoms have to do with the 1890s? Takes me right back to the 1970s and my awesome Brittania elephant-bell, leather patch pocket jeans that my aunt bought for me when my mom refused. As for the 1890s, there is always that monument to the fallen Confederate heroes behind the County Courthouse that always inflames my Yankee brother-in-law every time he visits…

    1. Based on the last few comments, I’m realizing that the city will need to change it’s motto to “Decatur: It’s 1890 without the….”

      P.S. Apparently the term “bell-bottoms” was coined in the 1890s. Who knew?

  4. We could hire minors to work as janitors in intolerable conditions, at which point they could go on strike. We could send our military to India and bash a lot of people in their knees. Richard Dreyfuss could have an affair. And we could elect a fat guy with a funny name to be president. Go Newt!

  5. Should be a lot cheaper. No electricity or gas bills to worry about. Decatur Works Works won’t be installed until the next century, so no water or sewer charges to pay. Bonus, the grease buildup in my hair due to infrequent bathing will mean I won’t need any hair product to maintain my hipster styled hair.

  6. I say we bring dentistry back to the saloons, where it got started. We can all toss back a shot of something on the rye side, then get our teeth yanked out by the bartender when he’s done wipingt down the counter…

    1. Isn’t that the natural progression of the free-range kids movement?

      1. “Give the kids back their freedom!” 2. “Hmm…little Jimmy sure is getting in more trouble what with all this free time and freedom.” 3. “Put the kids to work!”

Comments are closed.