Melanie DeToma’s Note to the Decatur Community
Decatur Metro | July 15, 2010Melanie DeToma submitted this note to DM last night…
To the Decatur community, I want to thank you all for your kind words and prayers during this unspeakable, horrific time for our family. My son, Gary, was a bright, shining light in our lives. He was smart and creative and funny, oh my goodness, he was funny. He had the sweetest little southern accent you ever heard, and he adored his little brother, Will, whom he called Bubba. He just learned to ride his bike without training wheels, and he rode like a fiend.
When Gary was only 3 years old he managed to get his hands on a phillips head screwdriver, and the next thing we knew he had removed most of the striker plates from the door frames in the house. He happily pulled the plates and screws from his pocket and reinstalled them when asked. Smart! He loved, loved, loved tools of all kinds. Just last week he told me in the car that when he’s a big daddy he’s going to be a “tool man”. I asked what that meant, and he said people would bring him their cars to be fixed. I didn’t tell him that my aspirations were more along the lines of fixing cancer or solving the national debt problem. He was just so full of ideas all the time.
His father, for whatever reason, chose to end Gary’s life on Monday. I feel like the light in my soul has been snuffed out. I look at Will and remind myself that I have to forge ahead through this grief somehow, but I don’t know how. I’m trying to get through the days. We all are.
Thank you all for your concern and prayers and food. We will need them even more in the days and weeks to come as we try to shake off this cloak of grief and resume our lives in a new and unwelcome way. We are not discussing the particulars of Gary’s upcoming memorial service, as we are trying to fly under the radar of the media circus surrounding this case. If you happen to have knowledge of the service as to the date and time, please don’t post it on the internet. Remember, there is a criminal trial underway–a murder trial of a stunningly beautiful 5-year-old boy–and none of us wants to give Gary DeToma even a modicum of help with his defense.
As to the candlelight vigil, I will not attend, but I will not object to a show of community support. It’s so nice to live in a place like Decatur where a person can belong and enjoy life.
Per Melanie’s wishes, no details of Gary’s funeral will be posted on this site. That goes for comments as well.
I lost my daughter to Leukemia when she was only 3 so I know what she must be going through. My heart and prayers go out to her.
Crying. And praying for this family.
This is her blog with some pics of the boys. Im crying looking at these 2 beautiful kids.
http://myboysworld.blogspot.com/
There are no words of comfort that are sufficient.
Thanks for reaching out Melanie. We all are holding you closely in our thoughts. I hope you are able to remain in the Decatur community, because undoubtedly you will continue to benefit from the support we are all prepared to offer.
I have no words to offer as comfort. I have grieved for little Gary, and for you and Will. I want to do more, but nothing can assuage the despair you must feel. Just know that we are out here, hundreds of us, maybe thousands, grieving with you. We will not let go of you in our hearts.
My heart really goes out to Melanie and Will DeToma, and their family. For a parent, losing a child is the worst thing that could ever happen. I’m amazed she has the strength to even reach out to us right now to share her words and pain. I wish there was more that as a community that we can do for her.
I do encourage people to donate funds to First Decatur Bank to help cover the funeral costs. Most parents are not prepared for that kind of expense and Melanie is a single mother with one less source of monetary support now that her estranged husband is in jail.
Peace be with you and yours, Melanie.
Our deepest condolences, for what is an unimaginable pain.
Does anyone know of a web-based community calendar for this type of situation, such as the one Caring Bridge has, for organizing the delivery of requested meals and food to Melanie and Will? A Decatur friend who battled cancer last year set up a CB community page for when he needed rides for chemo and meals. It was very useful.
Try http://www.mealtrain.com/ Hope that’s what you have in mind.
Thanks!
This family and others should be aware of a well-respected counseling center called The Link which provides counseling to the families and victims of trauma, including violence.
Melanie- We are so deeply sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
We care, all of us. We are grieving with you to the limits of our understanding.
There are no words. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Will.
I admire your strength and courage in writing this note, Melanie. I can’t imagine how you must be suffering at this time.
My little nieces & I send our heartfelt condolences for your family’s unbearable loss of Gary, Jr. Our prayers are with you for Will’s brave recovery. May your love for one another help guide you through these dark days to brighter ones ahead.
My prayer for you is that one day, you will know the peace surpassing understanding. Until then, I hope you will know just how much your community cares, and that it brings you some small measure of comfort.
Melanie, Our constant prayers and support will continue for you and your family. May God hold you all close and carry you through. Your son is a beautiful soul and will forever shine brightly. With deepest sympathy, love, and light, Erin
I am holding Melanie and her family in the light of peace. I pray for them to have the peace and strength to get through the next hours, days, months, and years.
The Compassionate Friends is a support group for bereaved parents who have lost children of any age and to any cause. It is one of the reasons I’m still standing and able to help others 4 1/2 years later. I hope that Melanie will be able to get the support she needs, because surviving after the loss of a child is the hardest thing in the world.
When & where is the candlelight vigil?
As of right now, the vigil has not yet been planned. For several reasons (subtlety, privacy, timing), we instead moved forward with a flower memorial in Harmony Park.
Re not discussing the particulars of the funeral service: Why did this morning’s hard copy AJC have the memorial service location and time listed? Seems like that was against family wishes. Funeral home mistake?
Did they really print that information? That’s a damned shame when what these folks really want and need is privacy. I’m willing to volunteer my services, either legal or good old-fashioned muscle, to help keep any reporters away.
Well, it was in that death notice area, not in news article so it may have just been a mistake on the part of the funeral home that submits notices.
Melanie,
Many people here in Kentucky are praying for you and your son Will. Your Gary was such a beautiful little boy! There are no words that can adequately express my sympathy, but just know that prayers are being said around the clock.
Melanie,
I am so sorry I don’t know even have words to say how sad I feel for you. Your son was precious and beautiful. Please know so many of us are praying for you and Will.