Decatur Cantaloupe Fest Turns Sour
June 24, 2009 | 3:16 pm
From the Decatur Metro Fictional Desk…
With the rising sun at her back, Decatur’s special events coordinator Cheryl Burnette stood at the top of Ponce de Leon Avenue on Monday morning with a broad smile on her face as a dump truck filled with fresh cantaloupes emptied them onto the closed street.
As Burnette had explained to the hoard of reporters earlier in the morning, “With all the positive resident response we’ve received to dumping sand on the street for the Beach Party, we all agreed that cantaloupes were the next logical step. We have all sorts of great cantaloupe events planned for the festival tonight: bowling, ring toss, eating contests, you name it!”
But unlike sand, which tends to stay put, these cantaloupes had more mobile plans. As soon as they were released onto the pavement, the fruits immediately began their descent with around 200 heading north down Clairemont Road, while hundreds of others took an east or west route down Ponce de Leon.
Having expected this reaction from the feisty fruits, the city had preemptively set up a series of wooden barriers on each street to prevent escape. However it seems that no one truly understood the sheer power of a cantaloupe (or 100) on a steep downward descent.
On Clairemont Road, witnesses say cantaloupes burst through the barricades with ease, quickly overwhelming the intersection at Clairemont Road and Commerce Drive. Many drivers swerved to avoid the melons, while others just idled at the intersection, mouths agape. One witness, who seemed to have overestimated the all-wheel abilities of his Subaru Outback later exclaimed to reporters “I’ve got a dang melon stuck in my wheel well!”
Similar incidents of melon-on-car trauma were reported at intersections all along Ponce, with traffic brought to a standstill for hours around the city center while sanitation crews cleaned up the mess.
Word of the incident quickly spread throughout the quiet hamlet, and in no time the cantaloupe-related rumors were flying. One such story claimed that a Decatur Police Officer found a melon in Oakhurst Village while two others asserted that residents had found melons in trees, one on Oakdale Road and Ponce de Leon Court, respectively.
One local resident who refused to give his name because he was fictional told this reporter, “It’s been absolute chaos in the city since the melonslide! Not 5 minutes ago, I saw my neighbor’s Goldendoodle chasing a raccoon with a full-grown melon in his mouth down the street!”
There have even been reports that wild pigs are now venturing into the city limits to benefit from the free, slightly bruised produce. Said one optimistic resident in reaction to the pig rumor, “Heck yeah! Now my family can really start eating local! Kids! Daddy’s bringing home more than just proverbial bacon tonight!”
And with that he headed south down Clairemont Road, pocket knife in hand, the smell of rotting cantaloupe hanging in the hot, muggy, evening air.
Mr. Libre and I gave refuge to a flock of the frightened fruit, who took refuge in our yard to flee the marauding pigs, raccoons, & Subarus. The refuge lasted until the spousal unit got a hankering for melon daiquiris, and I for some minted melon balls. At least the poor creatures gave up the flesh for a good cause!
Ha! Reminds me of…
“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”
Kind of reminds me of the “WKRP in Cincinnati” episode with Les Nessman reporting from the Pinedale Shopping Mall parking lot…
Les:
“It’s a helicopter, and it’s coming this way. It’s flying something behind it, I can’t quite
make it out, it’s a large banner and it says, uh – Happy… Thaaaaanksss… giving! …
From… W…. … K… … R… … P!! No parachutes yet. Can’t be skydivers… I can’t tell just yet what they are, but – Oh my God, Johnny, they’re turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they’re plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenburg tragedy has there been anything like this!”
Mr Carlson: “As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly.”
OMG, that was one of THE funniest episodes of WKRP ever! I was laughing aloud just reading your post about it…
No fear- Public Works is on the Cantalopes and now we are busy planning a Pig Fest. Since the opporutnity has arisen, no need to send the visiting pigs on their way. I am thinking we should start off with a Pig Parade (they do look so cute in those little outfits); followed by a Green Home Building Demonstration featuring homes made of sticks, straw and home made bricks. Forming a planning committee as we speak!! And NO, there will not be any pork BBQ….
Thanks for the humor DM!
I feel like I just got stupider reading that post!
How many cantaloupes will be added to the school system with annexation of DeVry? No telling how many wild cantaloupes are lurking in the kudzu bank.
There was also a report of a cantaloupe trying to break into a car on Superior but was thwarted by its lack of hands.
(Stealing from Matt on the Winonna Park listserv)
Perhaps these wayward melons are responsible for the power surges we’ve experienced lately–oh, and maybe it’s they’re running the trespassing, wild cats out from under the school trailers and into everyone’s gardens.